I think I want to ask for help. I don't really want to talk to my parents because I have a feeling they will just sufficate me and no one wants that. But I do want to get over somethings and move on with my life. I really feel like my problems with how a see myself and how I deal with it are hindering all the opportunities that I have. I constantly feel like I won't ever acheive at anything, so why bother? I think thats where the binging comes in.."I won't ver look good, so why not eat whatever the hell I want?" and then I feel guilty about it.

I was a awful compulsive-eater until I was probably 16. I've really managed to control it now and I believe that's why I'm not 183 lbs anymore. Although I never kicked the mentality of eating = bad, thus purge. I'm sitting here, right now, eating some whole grain rice and I'm already anticipating when its going into my toilet. I've only thrown up one meal today. Yeasterday I threw up three different times and proceded to consume an assortment of alcoholic beverages. Not that getting drunk had anything to do with it other than hard liquer just makes me feel good about myself.

Anyway, back to the point. I don't want to feel the way I've been feeling for the past decade. After sitting and thinking about it yeasterday (gotta love days off of work. plenty of time to wallow) I went through some of my old journals just to get an idea of what I was like. The first entry I ever wrote about purging was on January 2nd, 2001. I was 11 years old and I wrote that my parents found out a few months before that I was bulimic and were sending my to a psychologist. I wrote about how my parents just don't understand how I felt.

I came across another entry where I called myself a fat ass. And pages of food logs and calorie counts. Countless journal entries about how I hated myself and needed to lose weight to feel good. I realized that I have not changed my mindset at all. I'm a nineteen year old woman and I still despise myself like the little eleven year old me did.

If I haven't fixed this myself in the last 8 years, then I might need help. But am I ready? I need to makes myself ready and I just need to do it before my teeth start rotting away and my heart becomes weak. I'm just so terrified of gaining weight. I am absolutely horrified of it. I really feel like I've come a long way and I'm proud of myself to an extent. Do I want to lose more weight? absolutely.

Lately I've just been obsessing over it. I've been reading nutrition material, working out 3-4 times a week, trying to eat healthy..I'm trying so hard to do it the honest, healthy way but its so difficult when I think "well, I can eat that and just get rid of it." I don't purge to lose weight, I do it to not gain weight. i know I won't lose weight by doing that. I never have.

A guy friend of mine with whom I've recently shared the tip of the iceberg that is my issue-filled life tries to be so sweet and make me feel better. I'll say a girl is pretty and he'll come back with "no. way too thin." He's making an attempt to make me feel better about myself and he really tries but thats not going to change me. I don't know what will, but I want to find out. I've actually been crying about it lately. I fucking HATE crying, but I just feel so lost.

So I think I'm just going to take this in parts and in memories.

one.

After my initial "lets see what this does" purging, my parents took me to two doctors. One to tell me what was wrong in my head and the other to tell me what was wrong with my body. I feel like neither of them fixed anything. During my junior high years I really made an attempt to lose weight and take the right steps to liking myself. My mom did her best to be supportive. She always made healthy food, would take me exercising with her, and even joined Weight Watchers with me. All temporary fixes. By the time I was 15 I was 5'4 and 183 lbs. I digusted myself.

In retrospect, I think my mom should have handled my situation a little differently. I really wish she would have focused on fixing my self-esteem issues rather than just trying to help me lose weight. Like every other teenage girl, I was an emotional rollercoaster. I was always involved with sports, music, and school activities but I never had any close friends because I never felt like I could relate to anyone. Partly due to the fact that I hated my body and my felt like most people didn't really want to hang out with a fat chick. I know I was difficult to deal with for both my parents and I know they did their absolute best in raising my brother and I, but that doesn't mean that everything worked out. I dunno. I suppose I just want to be able to pin-point where things went wrong and one huge thing that stands out in my mind is the kind of support my mom gave. What 13 year old girl should be in Weight Watchers? At that age my body was still developing and changing. I used to get up and 4:30am before school so I could go to the gym. Its a good thing to do, but how many 8th graders do you know do that?

I had lost a little bit of weight while on the swim team of sophmore year. I was floating around 165 and pretty much stopped there up until recently. At this time I was enrolled in Weight Watchers for my second time. I think thats when I started keeping my book. It was my food record where I logged everything I put in my mouth surrounded by pictures of stick-thin women. I remeber, if I had a bad eating day, writing awful notes to myself so I would see them whenever I looked inside, things like "fatt ass" and "pig." I feel like a complete idiot remmebering these things. how stupid was I? How stupid am I? For a while there I was losing 4-6 lbs every week at my WW meetings because I wasn't eating much of anything. If i did eat, I generally barffed it up any way. Of course that didn't last long and I was okay again for a while.

I graduated from high school after three years and left for college and it got bad again. I was not into the university I was attending. It was too close to home and just a big party school. Second semeter I was very stressed and depressed. I wasn't sleeping, my hair was falling out, I was in a stupid relationship, and just plain feeling horrible. I started purging again. I think I've concluded that the urge-to-purge is triggered by depression. I feel hopeless and out of control and for some fucked up reason purger makes me feel better.

Since about a year ago I've been purging 3-4 times per week with the exception of a few several week breaks. Since then I have also dropped down to 140 lbs. I'd be happy to lose another 15 lbs which is the goal I'm working on now.

So much more to tell. But right now I'm going to leave it here and we'll see where this takes me.

So I've been doing this blog thing on and off since I was around 13 years old. Now I think it's about time I do something to actually help myself out and maybe a few others on the way.

Before I dive into my purpose of this I want to just state a couple things. First off, I'm not using my real identity. I have a few reasons for that. Also I am really going to encourage comments and feedback of any type. I want to hear what people have to say, good or bad. All I ask is that if you do leave a comment, please be intelligent about it and respectful. I don't expect a lot. I know the entire world isn't going to read about my struggles, but the few who might, I want it to be worth something.

Okay. Now about me. It's always so difficult to begin.

I'm a nineteen year old girl from the midwest. I've lived here all my life. I've grown up with an older brother and great parents. I was never under-privilaged, however I've always known that I have to work for what I want. I can't think of one thing that went horrible wrong in my childhood. I was never really picked on in school. I was a straight A student all through high school and always involved with sports and music. I've always had a steady job since I have been able. I'm very close to my brother and both of my parents. I've been given every opportunity in the world to do anything with my like. Now I am half way done with my fourth semester in college and trying to figure out my next move.

I need to move on with my life after this semester and for some reason I can't. I've been racking my mind for months trying to find an answer to why I can't get my shit together and I think I found out what is holding my back.

I don't really like myself all that much. I don't remember the last time i was completely okay with the person I am. Here's where I begin to sound vain. I'm not comfortable with my body, infact, I hate my body. I feel flabby and chunky and pudgy. And I have always had that feeling about myself.

Sixth grade was when I really, I mean really, starting to feel bad about myself. At the time I was in a school with a kids who were upper class and all skinny. And all these twelve year olds KNEW they were skinny, cute, and rich. But damn were they bitches. Sixth grade was when I started throwing up after I ate. I don't remember the first time I did it or how I got the idea. I remember throwing up in the school lunchroom bathroom and at home. I remember getting about with it for a couple months before I slipped up and my parents caught on. They sent me to talk to someone so I did and got nothing out of it. I loved talking to my psychologist, but I did not gain, learn, or realize anything from the experience.

Sometime went on and I was okay and my parents were okay. (to this day I don't even know if my brother knows). And then I started despising myself again. Its wasn't any unusual junior high self-loathing, but because I previous problems I slipped right back into old habits.

In a nutshell, I've been bulimic on and off for the last seven years and I want to share with you what I am battling. I think by doing this I will somehow get an understanding of what I need to do to care about a take care of myself. Because, man, I need to get on with my like and I feel like this is not only holding me back, but holding my in a tight, dark cornor of a world I don't want to be in. This isn't a cry for help. This is my reflection.